WARNING :THE JOKES ON THIS PAGE CONTAIN LANGUAGE THAT MAY OFFEND
SOME PEOPLE .DONT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU COME INTO THIS CATEGORY
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A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On
Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says,
"I can't come in today. I'm sick."
The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great.
He does the work of two men. We need him."
So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a
problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire
you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"
The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law
drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go
over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries,
one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm fucking her."
The boss says, "You fuck your sister?"
The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was
sick."
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1. Why do men become smarter during
sex?
Because they are plugged into a genius.
2. Why don't women blink during
foreplay?
They don't have time.
3. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize
1 egg?
They won't stop for directions.
4. Why did God put men on
earth?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
5. Why don't women have men's
brains?
Because they don't have penises to put them
in.
6. What do electric trains and breasts have in
common?
They're intended for children, but it's the men who
usually end up playing with them.
7. Why do men snore when they lay on their
backs?
Because their balls fall over their assholes and they
vapor lock.
8. Why do men masturbate?
It's
sex with someone they love.
9. Why were men given larger brains then
dogs?
So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail
parties.
10. Why did God make men before
women?
You need a rough draft before you have a final
copy.
11. Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm
white?
So he can tell if he is coming or
going.
12. How many men does it take to put the toilet seat
down?
Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.
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A western reporter goes to Armenia to write articles about that
land. He meets an old man in a village and asks him about any memorable events
in his life. The old man says, "Well one time my donkey got lost, so me and
my neighbours got some vodka and went looking for it. We looked and looked and
finally found the donkey. Then we drank the vodka and one by one started
screwing the donkey, it was a lot of fun."
The
reporter figured he can't write an article about that, so he asked the old man
to tell him another story. The old man said, "Well, one time my neighbour's
wife got lost, so me and all the village men got some vodka and went out looking
for her. We looked and looked and finally we found her. Then we drank the vodka
and one by one screwed the neighbour's wife. It was a lot of
fun."
The reporter, feeling frustrated, told the old man that he couldn't write articles about those
stories and asked him if he
had any dramatic or sad memories that he could talk about. The old man
paused a little and with a sad expression on his face said:
"Well, one time I was lost........"
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A middle-aged woman went to her cosmetic surgeon to
see what her options were concerning her rapidly sagging face.
"We can
give you an old fashioned face-lift, or we can use a new high tech procedure
called the knob".
"What is the knob, doctor?", she
asked. "It is a procedure where we install a knob under your hair on
the back of your head. We then connect it to the facial muscles
which sag, and when you see new wrinkles and sagging, you just tighten the
knob a few turns and your skin is nice and tight again."
"Oh,
yes! That is what I would like to have", she replied excitedly
..
The operation was a complete success and she looked 15
years younger. As time passed, when she would notice new sagging, she
would simply tighten the knob and voila! Her face was again
beautiful.
One day about 8 years later she woke up one morning and saw very
large bags under her eyes. Alarmed, she called her doctor and reported the
bags.
"You had better get right over and let me check this out!"
the doctor replied.
After examining her, he said "the bags under your
eyes are your breasts"...
To which she said, "Well, I guess that
explains the goatee!
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This little boy and his grandfather are fishing. Grandad pulls out a beer
and the little boy says "Grandpa, can I have one of those?"
Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to
which the little boy responds "No."
"Then you can't have one."
A while later, the grandad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I
have on of those?"
Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to
which the little boy responds "No."
"Then you can't have one."
Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food and each buy
a lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says "I just won
$50,000"
Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me, right?"
The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your
asshole?"
"Yes," Says grandpa.
"Then go fuck yourself"
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This butcher lived in an apartment over his shop. One night he was awakened
by strange noises coming from below, so he tiptoed downstairs and saw his
19-year-old daughter sitting on the chopping block and masturbating with a
liverwurst. The butcher sighed and tiptoed back to bed.
The next morning, when a customer walked in and asked for some liverwurst,
the butcher said that he didn't have any left. The customer was really annoyed,
she pointed to the corner of the shop and asked, "No liverwurst? Well,
what's that hanging on the hook right over there?"
The butcher frowned at her. "That", he replied, "is my
son-in-law."
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A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her
bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing
with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" asked the Mom.
"Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get
married, so this is pretty much my husband."
The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.
The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon
entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. "What the hell are
you doing?!" he asked.
His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I am 40 years old now and
ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a
husband."
The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.
The next day the Mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand
and the vibrator sitting next to him, watching the football game.
"For Christ's sake, what are you doing?" she cried.
The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a
beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!"
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A boy walks into the bathroom and catches his mom sitting on the bowl in her
full glory.
He runs out to tell his father. He asks his father "What's that big gash
between mummy's legs?"
The father replies, "That's where I accidentally hit her with an
axe!"
The boy replies "WOW, you got her right in the cunt!"
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A guy gets put into a nursing home by his son. He doesn't know if he's going
to like it at first, but he decides to give it a shot for his son's sake.
The first morning in the nursing home he wakes up with a hard-on. Out of
nowhere, a beautiful nurse walks in, kneels down, and blows him without saying a
word.
The guy gets on the phone to his son and says, "Son! I love this place!
Thank you so much for putting me in this nursing home!"
The son says, "Wow, Pop. You sound really happy. What happened?"
The old man says, " You won't believe it. I woke up this morning with a
hard-on, and the most beautiful nurse I've ever seen in my life came into my
room and blew me. Didn't say a word. Just blew me."
"Well, that sounds great, Dad. Congratulations."
"Well, thank you, Son," the old man says, and hangs up the phone.
Later that day, the old man is walking down the hall in his walker. He slips
and falls and can't get up. A big hillbilly orderly comes up to him, rips his
pants down, fucks him up the ass, and leaves him lying there in a heap.
The old man crawls to a phone and calls his son. "You gotta get me out
of here, Son. this place is nuts!"
"What happened, Pop? You sound terrible!" says the son.
"Well, I was walking with my walker and fell down and couldn't get up.
Then this big hillbilly orderly came by, ripped my pants down, and fucked me up
the ass!"
"Well, you know, Dad," says the son. "You got a blow job this
morning. You gotta take the good with the bad..."
"No, you don't understand, Son!" exclaims the old man. "I only
get a hard-on once a month! I fall down three, four times a day!"
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A guy walks into a bar with a frog. He sits next to this real attractive
lady, places the frog up on the
counter, and orders a drink. The lady says
"that's a disgusting looking frog you got there." The guys
says,
"Yeah well lemma tell ya something... this here frog is THE BEST
damn pussy eater you ever seen."
The lady is outraged and says so then
promptly gets up and moves across the bar. A few hours pass....
The lady has
had more then her share, and starts thinking about the frog... So she staggers
back up to the
guy and says, "OK prove it!". They run get a hotel
room.. the lady gets nude and is lying on the bed with
legs spread open wide.
The guy takes the frog and puts it in position, then demands, "GO
HOMER!"....
the frog lays there....he commands again... "GO
HOMER" the frog still does nothing.... he picks up the
frog and tosses
into the corner and says, "If I've shown ya once ... I've shown ya 1000
times .. .....now
watch how its done!"
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